My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
stop
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*skinny dips into black hole
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me: