My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.