My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it