My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
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I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.