My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too