My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE