@Darlainky: My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
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@david8hughes: [phone rings] "We've removed your son's missing picture from our milk cartons." "You found him?" "No, people stopped buying milk."
@prufrockluvsong: [new coffee shop] DAY 1 barista: name? me: Pru b: order for Prune! DAY 2 m: Pru. P-R-U b: Poo! DAY 3 m: JANE... MY NAME'S JANE
@TheHyyyype: [my future self comes back in time] HIM: here's every sports score for the next 20 years ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me