My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos