@Nicoleroxxu: My husband doesn't like it when I say we are "married" with quotation marks.
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@BlindChow: WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit
@Chumpstring: I didn't spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
@turtledumplin: Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he's going to the clinic for a 'work related' injury.