Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.