[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?