My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I bet birds love this building.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Was it something I said?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction