@MiddleageM: My husband fell asleep while watching Memento...was shocked to find "remember to NOT trust your wife" written on his forehead with a Sharpie
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@Sickayduh: "What's that?" - My new boss. He's very deciduous" "Decisive?" - Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*
@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
@: *Movie's 10 second sex scene begins My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Happy 18th birthday, millennium! Now that you’re an adult, please stop acting like an angsty teen and lashing out at us like we’re your parents.