@MiddleageM: My husband fell asleep while watching Memento...was shocked to find "remember to NOT trust your wife" written on his forehead with a Sharpie
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@dance_blessed: Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk.
@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
@HelloJessicaFox: If you encounter a bear DON'T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
@DBMaxP: Nothing says "Proper Retirement Planning" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets