My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.