My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.