My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
pizza
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked