My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I WON A HAM TODAY
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time