My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
why I oughta
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
When he asks for feet pics
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
This cat wants you to take your pills
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx