My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Worth the read.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I don’t know what to do
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before