@MrAdamBez: What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

@jeffswarens: The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn't notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

@BuckyIsotope: If Sesame Street really cared about children they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

@myles_morrison: I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.

@seamussaid: I bring my own pen into the bank because I don't need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write