@ComedyAndTruth: Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

@Nickadoo: America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@Jesssicle: Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone's house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"

@UnicornSyrup: Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost! At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

@alexwyse: Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.