@ComedyAndTruth: Me: I'm gonna lose weight.
Me: I'm gonna exercise every day.
Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
@Nickadoo: America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
@Jesssicle: Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone's house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
@UnicornSyrup: Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
@alexwyse: Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.
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