My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.