@PetrickSara: My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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@VanGobot: *sees a bug in my apartment* me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner* WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
@SteveInevitable: When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter...
@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
@ExtraGrumpyCat: This year I'm going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.