My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most