My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
A friend sent me this.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.