@RumAndReeses: My husband grew a beard and suddenly I'm having to karate chop every woman we pass.
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@ShadyLadyHH: My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
@Sean_Burgundy_: [ Skydiving ] Instructor: SIR. You can't just jump out without your equipment on Me: *Shows him text of gf saying "We need to talk"
@JayCee302: A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn't have cheese on it Wait couldn't I just put the che Mother of god
@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.