Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
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wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Always…
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.