My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?