My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Rather alarming headline…
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.