My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.