I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
This could be us but you eatin’
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.