8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Ghost costume 😂
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.