My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.