My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together