What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
You Might Also Like
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.