@the_mom_dot_com: My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Firawesome: I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?
@carlyken: My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.
@IronballsMcGinT: A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the "wrong person," which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.
@3sunzzz: [notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?