My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?