My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.