My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican