My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My dream job is getting paid to dream
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Last-minute gift idea!
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible