I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Practicing safe sax
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?