@sara_ashlynn: My husband is out w/friends & I'm at home w/the kids. I'm going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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@MatCro: [watching TV] GF: Tickle my back please ME: Is that nice? GF: Little bit higher ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
@Jacob_Swift16: Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me? Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride
@xLiserx: Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents. Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
@SonOfCha: When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it's been there for years & set it free.