[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
You Might Also Like
Bit chilly again tonight.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Pretty much! 😂👀
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.