@HousewifeOfHell: My husband isn't drinking while he trains for a marathon. There's all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I'm now drinking for both of us.
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@UncleDuke1969: Son: Dad? Me: Yeah? S: Do you have a plan for the 'Zombie Apocalypse'? M: Sure do. S: What is it? M: To run faster than you & your sister.
@The_MartiniGirl: Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at Victoria's Secret] *folding panties on table* "Sir, where are the fitting rooms?" Oh, I don't work here. *continues folding panties*
@AngrEdmontonian: *puts hand on your knee *slowly moves up your thigh *runs over your hip *drags finger up your stomach *grabs remote *changes channel