My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
LOOOOOOL
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.