My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
You Might Also Like
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow