My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Yup.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that