My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
You Might Also Like
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone