My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
bout dat hot dog summer
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW