My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
#DesignFail
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Stonehinge
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice