My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Cndnsd Mlk
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE