My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Optional boss fight.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.