My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
You Might Also Like
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
how to have an accident 101
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence