“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons