My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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shampoo implies shampee
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?