My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.